He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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