I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
