Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
