seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
