are you so shy because you have an std?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
