Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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