Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
