I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
