White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
