i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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