she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
How does it feel to date your dad?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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