Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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