I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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