I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
