The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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