So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
