When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
