it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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