the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
