Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
