Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
