I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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