Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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