I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
