If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
FUCK WHALES
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