Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
