he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
