If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
