i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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