Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
