I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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