there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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