he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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