Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
