I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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