You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
