i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
