I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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