watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
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