Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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