Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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