A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
