first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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