Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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