I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
