Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
