No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
