You smell like stripper and shame
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
