But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize