So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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