Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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