Already got asked if we're dating
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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