awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
