I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
3pm strippers are depressing
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
