that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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