i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
