goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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