who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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