Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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