I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
