I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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