4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
