mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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