1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize